This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
