i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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