why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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