I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
