Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
