Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
