Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
