Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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