could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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