Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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