i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
