So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
