i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
