I'm gonna have a badass scar
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Send help, water and tortillas.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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