I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
