Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
