I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
