he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
