I just saw a hot homeless man
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
