At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
