now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am available for nakedness
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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