I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i think i scared a bird with my dick
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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