before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
