I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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