he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
