he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
