i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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