6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
