As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
