I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
