you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
