I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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