where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
