i will never coherently bang her
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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