One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
