Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
