either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
