when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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