youre lurking in front of me
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
