Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
