he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
