Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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