Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
