apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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