I can text with my tongue
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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