Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
where are you?
Hypothermia
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
