note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
