I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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