i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
