the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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