Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
