I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
