Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
